Who is that, up there at the top of the stairs? It's a face I've only seen in frames, holds my mother's surname It's my Grandfather Wilt; he's efficiently built After his death, he told my Uncle goodbye No one was surprised Logic begat a bridal path, but he found God in his math Told my mom, “We know not the day nor hour” Funeral flower When I see him up there, I feel so unprepared I am the father of a thousand kids I don't know what I did There are un-mapped unknowns, hair that never gets combed When I pass like a poem in class into a dashboard I crash take me up there, to the top of the stairs Or just take me outside I won't know I wasn't right What if I wake up as someone new?
What are the roots from which deja vu grew?
In the dirt, I'll play Solitaire James, are you up there? There are coins that I flip that I trust more than this The idea that even if I stray, I'm forgiven someday But this sever and what it's cost me has been haunting, exhausting So what of the lessons I have learned should I be most concerned? Every star in the sky puts that tar in disguise When I pass like a question asked into a chalkboard I crash Take me up there, to the top of the stairs Or just take me outside I won't know I wasn't right What if I wake up as someone knew?
What are the roots from which Deja Vu grew?
In the dirt, I'll be growing hair, I'll think I'm up there We were outside of Indiana You were tall but you were looking up You said, “It's so clear out here,” but the night was bluffing Just a little black bag from Santa made me wish I hadn't woken up But if you asked me, “What's up?”, I would say “Nothing”

In the backyard of your house where every dream I dreamed played out the pond and every fish it brought waved its water to my drought It's expansive and it's green and it's practical and kind It's the urgency in all my nerves to always press rewind I don't always think I'm good but the good in me prevailed on our hands and on our knees among the cucumbers and kale The books and pews to Earth and you The Good News that to which I crawl With every calendar day crossed your face was just a crystal ball When I see me in your yard I look precocious, I look new I look teenage but I wasn't I was sick and twenty two Dragonflies across the top Waterspiders underneath Smile was jumping off my face An infection in my teeth When the memories get thin you'll be sepia and soft I will choke up when I think of them and cough cough cough I could say that I was right but I can't tell you what it means To whom does it concern? In what way did I learn? With you there it sounds so young but it felt like flying It honestly felt like flying Now I can't explain myself When you see me there I hope you see me smiling Not in puzzlement and hurting Not anything else

I go out to check on you, you're out by the garage letting all the concrete give you a back massage When you came in shivering, I worried for your health I offered you a blanket, then I worried for myself I'll tell you what I found there but it's difficult to tell I'll say it explicitly, it's fact I volunteer I'm 22 years old and I've stayed sober all these years It's a complicated subject, don't think me a stuffed shirt I dance and feel elaborate, and I won't try to convert It's the loneliness that sets in It's the loneliness that hurts And I love you 'til you've had too many drinks And then I like you 'til your attitude stinks And I don't mind you 'til you cry of how your bad night worsened And I mind it when I'm dragging you home And I don't like you when you scowl and moan And I don't love you, you've challenged me as a person Yeah, right now, I don't love you, you've challenged me as a person It drills into the core of me with an unrelenting drill How I can't give her comfort, but something stronger will I recently got passed up for psychedelic drugs I should've told her "That's so stupid," but I offered her a shrug Put a leash around my outreach Give it a tug And I just found out some friends do coke, I really never knew It's not like I get invited to the cocaine-doing room And it's messed up I feel left out, I know I can't be saved when I think of me as cowardly and I think of them as brave Short-term solutions for confusion and thankful early graves And I still having living vices that I can afford to lose My general advice is to tend to every bruise I still do things i can't stand, I yell instead of sing I love people I don't like, then replace people with things My conscience says, "You're already bad, just jump!" It's really tempting And I love you 'til you've had too many drinks And then I like you 'til your attitude stinks And I don't mind you 'til you cry of how your bad night worsened And I mind it when I'm dragging you home And I don't like you when you scowl and moan And I don't love you, you've challenged me as a person Right now, I don't love you, you've challenged me as a person

You act like I am your brother I've got that style down-pat, I wear that same sad hat Did you want a brother? While I do doubt that, it's nothing to frown at Because you're like a sister You could push me in the snow, and I'd still let it go I've got actual sisters and none of them know the me you know You tend to keep it loose when it's us alone but romantically it's tenser than a tin-can phone My end is up, and your end is up We've come close to kissing, but we've never kissed like I tried to touch your face with a broken wrist Now I'm face on floor; what's the reward for chasing after you, chasing after you, and getting close Chasing faster, but losing sight of you, "I got so close!" I can't help myself; when you smile at me, my planet flattens I can't make it happen anymore than you can make it happen We almost made it happen until my birthday thing, you wore that crazy chola outfit But I let us dampen You wouldn't speak to me, understandably I never meant to hurt feelings of my roommate's, or the girl that leaves me floored But I feel like a ceiling You could stare at me all day, and I'd just keep you safe Then one day we got closer, that's just how it was Watched a John Hugues movie and laid down, because your bed was there; I wouldn't sleep elsewhere You told me, if I wasn't in love with you, that was on a list of things that I shouldn't do But I was in love, that's the product of Chasing after you, chasing after you, and getting close Chasing faster, but losing sight of you, "I got so close!" I can't help myself; your Target sheets felt just like satin I can't make it happen anymore than you can make it happen I said, "Eve I'm Adam Take your sinful apple into pieces and let me at them" I wanted to claim your heart so loud, the future hears it Call it original sin, or truncated human spirit Oh, I was so grateful to be near it We almost made it happen We almost made it happen