I Will Be the One Who Goes

by Anthony Jay Sanders

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Reem Mehtar UMM IF YOU'RE NOT INTO THIS ALBUM THEN WYD???? haven't stopped listening to it since it was released (almost 9 months now!! it's that good!!) Favorite track: I Sorrow.
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credits

released September 21, 2016

Recorded and mixed by Seth Engel
Mastered by Kurt Roy
All instruments played by Anthony Sanders
Drums on "My Dice" by Seth Engel
Album art by Johnny Fabrizio and Kenna Hynes
Formatted by Corey Purvis

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license

all rights reserved

about

Anthony Jay Sanders Chicago, Illinois

I sing for The Island of Misfit Toys, I sing for myself, and I definitely sing for you. This is a place to gradually release everything that isn't TIOMT.
For TIOMT music:
tiomt.bandcamp.com

contact / help

Contact Anthony Jay Sanders

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Track Name: Mothers Day Money
Sink, a sandwich in a bag
A skinny myrtle flag
I'll never whittle to
The city's biggest drag
Opportunities arise
My finances disguise
I live in moments' lips
and can account for sighs

Nobody ever told me that my fun could outrun me
It's Mother's Day and I have no money
A hug and a kiss, she looks past this somehow

Won't give myself a break
throughout a stomachache
Life's brutish and short
That's how I'll eat this steak
Nothing grows again
in pockets lined with salt
And if it all perplexes me
I'll learn it was my fault

My wit's end's bacon and my eggs are runny
It's Mother's Day and I have no money
A hug and a kiss, she looks past this somehow

I call in sick like I won a prize, I beam with pride
Mugging myself, I wear no disguise, spread out my winnings and cried
I have this dream where she's blind to me, white-eyed, House on Haunted Hill
I can't look you in the eye
You take care of me, and I won't know why

I wrote a song full of jokes, all of them unfunny
It's Mother's Day and I have no money
She smiles and insists I'm forgiven for this somehow
Track Name: I Sorrow
You think the way that I sing and the way that I live are jarring
Just for being myself, I'm sorry
You wrote a Luther-like list of my attributes you find alarming
You were trying to gather an army
You were trying to make me sorry

“I'm sorry”
I'll say it now and I'll say it more
You always know what I'm running towards
If I say it enough, I might feel rebuffed
and forget what I'm sorry for

You drop scope and frown, you can't find what made your eyes starry
I disappoint, and I'm sorry
I screwed up my sleep, I can't make up for time I borrow
I swear I'll be on time tomorrow
Both awake and in dreams, I sorrow
In my closet of covets, the hanging clothes have bodies
I'm sexual, and I'm sorry
You're my closest friend, you don't trust me with your car key
You don't like how I act in public
You don't think I am thinking of it
You don't talk when I'm loud at parties
I am in your detention, you point to the board
and I'm writing 100 “sorry”s

“I'm sorry”
I'll say it now and I'll say it more
You always know what I'm running towards
If I say it enough, I might feel rebuffed
and forget what I'm sorry for

I'm of the firm belief that the rest of a life is starting
when one pries and then starts parting
the ins and the outs of “sorry”
Track Name: Marissa
You met me at our favorite diner that we
both knew wasn't very good
You told me all the the things about myself
that I hardly understood
I'd be hard-pressed to ever suggest
that your restless soul should ever rest
when I unwrap all the traps we talked about
Marissa, don't forget you helped me out

Oh, you're so much to know
There's so much aglow in you
Oh, you're a planet that folds
Let writing embolden you
Marissa, I miss ya

I was trying to accept Communion
then you dropped it in my willing hands
when you had them play an Ace of Base song
and you showed them all your personal dance
It could be minutes into days into decades long
I will not stop writing this song
when a subject has me held under duress
Marissa, don't forget that you're the best

Oh, you're so much to know
There's so much aglow in you
Oh, you're a planet that folds
Let writing embolden you
Marissa, I miss ya
Track Name: Anyway
I went to a party in a thin blue tie
with a jar of a girl I hoped I'd pry
in an innocent sense, just to see inside
and I was nerve-wracked like a bird acts
I had just broken up with a private girl
I was looking too quickly for a color swirl
I had a Kermit toy and put it in her hands
like, “This is me now, am I with or without?”

We'd gotten past an issue with a real close friend
I was deftly navigating all that dating bends
I even found myself at sea for 4 whole months
and we stayed stuck, she was good luck
I came home different, but not by much
I was a little more reliant on a mental crutch
She was happier and didn't seem to be put off
by my night trips or my tight lips, oh you

You walk along with me, you're dressed up, shining
looking like a strange upcoming day
You ask me then, “What's wrong?”, and curl up to me
like I would've told you anyway

I take you to dinner, you won't eat a thing
The stories that I'm spinning are meandering
Every word's a coaster under drinks we drink
Are you happy? Can you stand me?
'Cause often there are nights when I hold you close
Part of me is diet sweet, and the rest morose
Tore your posters off the wall and I fall with them
like a sad tree, are you happy?

I don't feel incredible, I don't feel good
but I'm hardly sorry, let me make it understood
Though it fills me with dread, I meant what I said

You walk along with me, you're dressed up, shining
looking like a strange upcoming day
You ask me then, “What's wrong?”, and curl up to me
like I would've told you anyway
Track Name: Three
We're playing catch, we have our gloves on
I'm so excited with the ball beneath my fist
I toss it out, but I see nothing
and for a second there, I wonder if I missed
But it is there, you had caught it
Like a baby bird, it's resting on your wrist
You have turned me from an athlete to a poet
If you won't throw it back, then I won't throw it

I wrote a verse, a way to sing it
You have a voice to lure a vampire into light
You start to smile, you say you like it
but it won't make it in the set you play tonight
Nobody hears it, and I feel slighted
but I act as if the pain is only slight
It's a feeling that I'll one day stop inviting
If you won't sing my song, I won't keep writing

I love you now, I love you later
and I loved you when I didn't know you well
I love you close, I love you farther
I'd love you standing, sitting, even if I fell
I said “I love you,” you said it different
You said you feel it, but it's difficult to tell
I understood, but felt ashamed that I displayed it
If you won't say it back, should I not say it?
Track Name: The One Who Goes
I will be the one who goes
I will be the one who over-hosts
and doesn't know
and never lets up
I will never think enough
I will let my pouting mouth rev up
I will not catch up
I live here, I know
Yet I will be the one who goes

I will be the one who goes
I will take a walk with friends to show
an abandoned home
They'll say, “You first”
I will be the one with thirst
I don't have a ton of self-worth
when at my worst
I shouldn't, I know
Yet I will be the one who goes

I will be the one who goes
I will give you such a low “Hello,”
I decompose
It's tough to tell
I will put us parallel
A cross with you would be the hardest sell
Now save yourself
You sorrow, withdrawn
Yet I will be the one who's gone

Sometimes our courage comes from loss
There are no valuables to toss
We all move so fast
We all act through every paper bag

We only love as leveled trees
We treasure all secret disease
I'm on a talk show
I'm announcing:
“I will be the one who goes”
Track Name: Vacancy
They walked like two kids
guilty with all their discoveries hidden
Drove fast from skids
Insisted he wanted to pay, and he hid that he didn't

“I was wondering if you had a vacancy
We are sleepy, do you have a place for me to sleep?”
But now silent, “Have you forsaken me?”

With no bags on the floor
They ordered a dinner and feasted like Philistines
With no bags anymore
They gazed into eyes and she acted like she was still 19

“I was wondering if you had a vacancy
We are sleepy, do you have a place for me to sleep?”
But now silent, “How are you replacing me?”

An unfilable folder
This is the truth that he wish that he told her:
“I wish you could feel what it felt like
An aviary unlocked on a dark night
But now, they are caged up like you
Your birdsong is blue
My sky is gunmetal
Watch a salt mine fly from your eyes
Watch a whole world materialize
and a pox from a person you love
Your birdsong's a dove's
Your feathers have settled

Scratch my head 'til it flakes
Our intimate winter starts falling before me
There's a bed they won't make
There are songs that are playing that tell the whole story
Track Name: My Dice
I know you think I've been so nice
I've helped you out and sacrificed
But I'm sad to say, I load my dice
and I'm bad, bad news
I'm a bad, bad dude
and I'm bad for you

When I'm half-good, let me reaffirm
I said half-good, I tend to stretch the term
and the stretch marks always show
And when I'm half-good, I have a smile on my lips
like maybe that could help me beguile and grip
I keep myself up on my toes
and the stretch marks always show

When you're swimming through your tears across the party
feeling stupid and unwanted, feeling drunk and disenchanted,
I'll be by the door
And I'll smile just like a good friend, but that's not from my good end
I don't smile to make you happy, peaceful, or serene
I smile because I'm mean

I know you think I've been so nice
I've helped you out and sacrificed
But I'm sad to say, I load my dice
and I'm bad, bad news
I'm a bad, bad dude
and I'm bad for you

I'd be a bad dad, I honestly think
I'd be a bad dad, I'd be a permanent link
in a long chain of abuse
I'd be that dad, the one a kid can't stand the sight of
I'd be that dad, he wouldn't kill me, but he might have
if I hadn't later set him loose
It's a long chain of abuse

I can see my older self frail on a deathbed
with arms and legs like whispers, with only white-washed whiskers
staring at the door
And I'll wonder if I'm forgiven, if just one angel listened
If any of my children would come and visit me
St. Peter drops his keys

I know you think I've been so nice, I've helped you out and sacrificed
But I'm sad to say, I load my dice, and I'm bad, bad news
I'm a bad, bad dude, and I'm bad for you
Track Name: I Could Pass Tonight
I was born, then I started growing up
I was curious and loud in spite of all “enough's enough”s
It was just how I was built
Jay Sanders and Catherine Wilt
It made me an easy target when I talked
I was tall, but I'd get pushed until my face hit a sidewalk
I was kicked while I was down
my name no longer proper noun
Though I was chipped, I wasn't chopped down yet
I posed a point I wouldn't soon forget:

I'll never quit
It's gonna take a lot more than that
I won't go out so fast
I was built to last
I don't give up
I'm a river with an ocean end
and though I could pass tonight
I won't go without a fight

With all that said, school was always difficult
I didn't know about the parts of me that wanted revolt
I was eaten by the dull
I was irresponsible
With each failed class, I dug a hole a few more feet
I was embarrassed and would keep all of my F's discreet
I had let my teachers down
my name no longer proper noun
But I bit my tongue and passed by skin of teeth
and now I sing what used to live beneath:

I'll never quit
It's gonna take a lot more than that
I won't go out so fast
I was built to last
I don't give up
I'm a river with an ocean end
and though I could pass tonight
I won't go without a fight

Speaking of songs, from when I was 9 to now
I would crease a CD sleeve with my guitar out
and I'd write songs as best I could
formed a band like my heroes would
There were those who thought I sang like an Anglophile
They didn't like my teen dreams or my words or style
I was still only a kid
Ambitious, insipid
But as I grew, I seemed to hit my mark
'Til my wheels fall off, I won't stop spouting sparks

I'll never quit
It's gonna take a lot more than that
I won't go out so fast
I was built to last
I don't give up
I'm a river with an ocean end
and though I could pass tonight
I won't go without a fight

I got fired for the first time at 21
The Second City threw a brick weighing 20 tons
It's the only job I've lost
I was my own nightmare boss
So I got myself a job at the Old Town School
Money's always been a game, I can't dodge the rules
I took every chance I saw
All my friends were rabbits' paws
And soon enough, they called on me for work
and I begged nobody, persistence has its perks

I'll never quit
It's gonna take a lot more than that
I won't go out so fast
I was built to last
I don't give up
I'm a river with an ocean end
and though I could pass tonight
I won't go without a fight

Out of shape, I spent my whole life being so
I've been approachable and mold-able and almost dough
I've felt bad in my own skin and the clothes I don't fit in
I've felt sick and depressed in the realest way
All of the toxins that I've taken in have come to stay
I care less for how I look
It's my insides that have shook
But now I'm running, eating better, lifting weights
I will never let my health disintegrate

I'll never quit
It's gonna take a lot more than that
I won't go out so fast
I was built to last
I don't give up
I'm a river with an ocean end
and though I could pass tonight
I won't go without a fight

I almost caved on a night that I'll never miss
Everybody that I loved seemed to ball their fists
I felt friendless and unwound
I heard death's beckoning sound
I assaulted my system like I never did
If I had more, I'd be another statistic kid
But I didn't, and I'm here
Now I redirect my spears
I'm better, braver, and know more now than then
I will never taste that hate I felt again

I'll never quit
It's gonna take a lot more than that
I won't go out so fast
I was built to last
I don't give up
I'm a river with an ocean end
and though I could pass tonight
I won't go without a fight
Track Name: Kitchen (Lost)
I stand and drink water in my kitchen like a goddamn idiot
I think about the people I've hurt and the lines they hit me with
I'm not the center of anyone's self, but I have several centers
Clear like fear, aloof like another thing
Hands at my side, can't see that I'm juggling
Some kids look old when they turn 13
I'm in my kitchen at night 'cause I had a bad dream
about you

Only you can rip me out of this kitchen
and have me grovel all over town
You are the split where I fix my vision
Open your door, I'm out here now
The most guilty I've ever felt
You outdid all the art we saw
In your honor, I'm dropping anger

Don't get lost in the place you live
See the way the webs you wafted stick across all of your fingers
Learn to forgive
Don't see a burden and make your bed
It's not worth the folded shoulders, you'll sleep cover-less and colder
Just call me instead, call anyone else
You look so perfect in your house
Definitely something