I Will Be the One Who Goes

by Anthony Jay Sanders

supported by
Vincent DeSanto
Vincent DeSanto thumbnail
Vincent DeSanto Reminds me of a dear friend Favorite track: Marissa.
reem
reem thumbnail
reem UMM IF YOU'RE NOT INTO THIS ALBUM THEN WYD???? haven't stopped listening to it since it was released (almost 9 months now!! it's that good!!) Favorite track: I Sorrow.
/
  • Streaming + Download

    Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.
    Purchasable with gift card

      $5 USD  or more

     

1.
Sink, a sandwich in a bag A skinny myrtle flag I'll never whittle to The city's biggest drag Opportunities arise My finances disguise I live in moments' lips and can account for sighs Nobody ever told me that my fun could outrun me It's Mother's Day and I have no money A hug and a kiss, she looks past this somehow Won't give myself a break throughout a stomachache Life's brutish and short That's how I'll eat this steak Nothing grows again in pockets lined with salt And if it all perplexes me I'll learn it was my fault My wit's end's bacon and my eggs are runny It's Mother's Day and I have no money A hug and a kiss, she looks past this somehow I call in sick like I won a prize, I beam with pride Mugging myself, I wear no disguise, spread out my winnings and cried I have this dream where she's blind to me, white-eyed, House on Haunted Hill I can't look you in the eye You take care of me, and I won't know why I wrote a song full of jokes, all of them unfunny It's Mother's Day and I have no money She smiles and insists I'm forgiven for this somehow
2.
I Sorrow 03:12
You think the way that I sing and the way that I live are jarring Just for being myself, I'm sorry You wrote a Luther-like list of my attributes you find alarming You were trying to gather an army You were trying to make me sorry “I'm sorry” I'll say it now and I'll say it more You always know what I'm running towards If I say it enough, I might feel rebuffed and forget what I'm sorry for You drop scope and frown, you can't find what made your eyes starry I disappoint, and I'm sorry I screwed up my sleep, I can't make up for time I borrow I swear I'll be on time tomorrow Both awake and in dreams, I sorrow In my closet of covets, the hanging clothes have bodies I'm sexual, and I'm sorry You're my closest friend, you don't trust me with your car key You don't like how I act in public You don't think I am thinking of it You don't talk when I'm loud at parties I am in your detention, you point to the board and I'm writing 100 “sorry”s “I'm sorry” I'll say it now and I'll say it more You always know what I'm running towards If I say it enough, I might feel rebuffed and forget what I'm sorry for I'm of the firm belief that the rest of a life is starting when one pries and then starts parting the ins and the outs of “sorry”
3.
Marissa 03:12
You met me at our favorite diner that we both knew wasn't very good You told me all the the things about myself that I hardly understood I'd be hard-pressed to ever suggest that your restless soul should ever rest when I unwrap all the traps we talked about Marissa, don't forget you helped me out Oh, you're so much to know There's so much aglow in you Oh, you're a planet that folds Let writing embolden you Marissa, I miss ya I was trying to accept Communion then you dropped it in my willing hands when you had them play an Ace of Base song and you showed them all your personal dance It could be minutes into days into decades long I will not stop writing this song when a subject has me held under duress Marissa, don't forget that you're the best Oh, you're so much to know There's so much aglow in you Oh, you're a planet that folds Let writing embolden you Marissa, I miss ya
4.
Anyway 04:18
I went to a party in a thin blue tie with a jar of a girl I hoped I'd pry in an innocent sense, just to see inside and I was nerve-wracked like a bird acts I had just broken up with a private girl I was looking too quickly for a color swirl I had a Kermit toy and put it in her hands like, “This is me now, am I with or without?” We'd gotten past an issue with a real close friend I was deftly navigating all that dating bends I even found myself at sea for 4 whole months and we stayed stuck, she was good luck I came home different, but not by much I was a little more reliant on a mental crutch She was happier and didn't seem to be put off by my night trips or my tight lips, oh you You walk along with me, you're dressed up, shining looking like a strange upcoming day You ask me then, “What's wrong?”, and curl up to me like I would've told you anyway I take you to dinner, you won't eat a thing The stories that I'm spinning are meandering Every word's a coaster under drinks we drink Are you happy? Can you stand me? 'Cause often there are nights when I hold you close Part of me is diet sweet, and the rest morose Tore your posters off the wall and I fall with them like a sad tree, are you happy? I don't feel incredible, I don't feel good but I'm hardly sorry, let me make it understood Though it fills me with dread, I meant what I said You walk along with me, you're dressed up, shining looking like a strange upcoming day You ask me then, “What's wrong?”, and curl up to me like I would've told you anyway
5.
Three 04:11
We're playing catch, we have our gloves on I'm so excited with the ball beneath my fist I toss it out, but I see nothing and for a second there, I wonder if I missed But it is there, you had caught it Like a baby bird, it's resting on your wrist You have turned me from an athlete to a poet If you won't throw it back, then I won't throw it I wrote a verse, a way to sing it You have a voice to lure a vampire into light You start to smile, you say you like it but it won't make it in the set you play tonight Nobody hears it, and I feel slighted but I act as if the pain is only slight It's a feeling that I'll one day stop inviting If you won't sing my song, I won't keep writing I love you now, I love you later and I loved you when I didn't know you well I love you close, I love you farther I'd love you standing, sitting, even if I fell I said “I love you,” you said it different You said you feel it, but it's difficult to tell I understood, but felt ashamed that I displayed it If you won't say it back, should I not say it?
6.
I will be the one who goes I will be the one who over-hosts and doesn't know and never lets up I will never think enough I will let my pouting mouth rev up I will not catch up I live here, I know Yet I will be the one who goes I will be the one who goes I will take a walk with friends to show an abandoned home They'll say, “You first” I will be the one with thirst I don't have a ton of self-worth when at my worst I shouldn't, I know Yet I will be the one who goes I will be the one who goes I will give you such a low “Hello,” I decompose It's tough to tell I will put us parallel A cross with you would be the hardest sell Now save yourself You sorrow, withdrawn Yet I will be the one who's gone Sometimes our courage comes from loss There are no valuables to toss We all move so fast We all act through every paper bag We only love as leveled trees We treasure all secret disease I'm on a talk show I'm announcing: “I will be the one who goes”
7.
Vacancy 03:37
They walked like two kids guilty with all their discoveries hidden Drove fast from skids Insisted he wanted to pay, and he hid that he didn't “I was wondering if you had a vacancy We are sleepy, do you have a place for me to sleep?” But now silent, “Have you forsaken me?” With no bags on the floor They ordered a dinner and feasted like Philistines With no bags anymore They gazed into eyes and she acted like she was still 19 “I was wondering if you had a vacancy We are sleepy, do you have a place for me to sleep?” But now silent, “How are you replacing me?” An unfilable folder This is the truth that he wish that he told her: “I wish you could feel what it felt like An aviary unlocked on a dark night But now, they are caged up like you Your birdsong is blue My sky is gunmetal Watch a salt mine fly from your eyes Watch a whole world materialize and a pox from a person you love Your birdsong's a dove's Your feathers have settled Scratch my head 'til it flakes Our intimate winter starts falling before me There's a bed they won't make There are songs that are playing that tell the whole story
8.
My Dice 04:26
I know you think I've been so nice I've helped you out and sacrificed But I'm sad to say, I load my dice and I'm bad, bad news I'm a bad, bad dude and I'm bad for you When I'm half-good, let me reaffirm I said half-good, I tend to stretch the term and the stretch marks always show And when I'm half-good, I have a smile on my lips like maybe that could help me beguile and grip I keep myself up on my toes and the stretch marks always show When you're swimming through your tears across the party feeling stupid and unwanted, feeling drunk and disenchanted, I'll be by the door And I'll smile just like a good friend, but that's not from my good end I don't smile to make you happy, peaceful, or serene I smile because I'm mean I know you think I've been so nice I've helped you out and sacrificed But I'm sad to say, I load my dice and I'm bad, bad news I'm a bad, bad dude and I'm bad for you I'd be a bad dad, I honestly think I'd be a bad dad, I'd be a permanent link in a long chain of abuse I'd be that dad, the one a kid can't stand the sight of I'd be that dad, he wouldn't kill me, but he might have if I hadn't later set him loose It's a long chain of abuse I can see my older self frail on a deathbed with arms and legs like whispers, with only white-washed whiskers staring at the door And I'll wonder if I'm forgiven, if just one angel listened If any of my children would come and visit me St. Peter drops his keys I know you think I've been so nice, I've helped you out and sacrificed But I'm sad to say, I load my dice, and I'm bad, bad news I'm a bad, bad dude, and I'm bad for you
9.
I was born, then I started growing up I was curious and loud in spite of all “enough's enough”s It was just how I was built Jay Sanders and Catherine Wilt It made me an easy target when I talked I was tall, but I'd get pushed until my face hit a sidewalk I was kicked while I was down my name no longer proper noun Though I was chipped, I wasn't chopped down yet I posed a point I wouldn't soon forget: I'll never quit It's gonna take a lot more than that I won't go out so fast I was built to last I don't give up I'm a river with an ocean end and though I could pass tonight I won't go without a fight With all that said, school was always difficult I didn't know about the parts of me that wanted revolt I was eaten by the dull I was irresponsible With each failed class, I dug a hole a few more feet I was embarrassed and would keep all of my F's discreet I had let my teachers down my name no longer proper noun But I bit my tongue and passed by skin of teeth and now I sing what used to live beneath: I'll never quit It's gonna take a lot more than that I won't go out so fast I was built to last I don't give up I'm a river with an ocean end and though I could pass tonight I won't go without a fight Speaking of songs, from when I was 9 to now I would crease a CD sleeve with my guitar out and I'd write songs as best I could formed a band like my heroes would There were those who thought I sang like an Anglophile They didn't like my teen dreams or my words or style I was still only a kid Ambitious, insipid But as I grew, I seemed to hit my mark 'Til my wheels fall off, I won't stop spouting sparks I'll never quit It's gonna take a lot more than that I won't go out so fast I was built to last I don't give up I'm a river with an ocean end and though I could pass tonight I won't go without a fight I got fired for the first time at 21 The Second City threw a brick weighing 20 tons It's the only job I've lost I was my own nightmare boss So I got myself a job at the Old Town School Money's always been a game, I can't dodge the rules I took every chance I saw All my friends were rabbits' paws And soon enough, they called on me for work and I begged nobody, persistence has its perks I'll never quit It's gonna take a lot more than that I won't go out so fast I was built to last I don't give up I'm a river with an ocean end and though I could pass tonight I won't go without a fight Out of shape, I spent my whole life being so I've been approachable and mold-able and almost dough I've felt bad in my own skin and the clothes I don't fit in I've felt sick and depressed in the realest way All of the toxins that I've taken in have come to stay I care less for how I look It's my insides that have shook But now I'm running, eating better, lifting weights I will never let my health disintegrate I'll never quit It's gonna take a lot more than that I won't go out so fast I was built to last I don't give up I'm a river with an ocean end and though I could pass tonight I won't go without a fight I almost caved on a night that I'll never miss Everybody that I loved seemed to ball their fists I felt friendless and unwound I heard death's beckoning sound I assaulted my system like I never did If I had more, I'd be another statistic kid But I didn't, and I'm here Now I redirect my spears I'm better, braver, and know more now than then I will never taste that hate I felt again I'll never quit It's gonna take a lot more than that I won't go out so fast I was built to last I don't give up I'm a river with an ocean end and though I could pass tonight I won't go without a fight
10.
I stand and drink water in my kitchen like a goddamn idiot I think about the people I've hurt and the lines they hit me with I'm not the center of anyone's self, but I have several centers Clear like fear, aloof like another thing Hands at my side, can't see that I'm juggling Some kids look old when they turn 13 I'm in my kitchen at night 'cause I had a bad dream about you Only you can rip me out of this kitchen and have me grovel all over town You are the split where I fix my vision Open your door, I'm out here now The most guilty I've ever felt You outdid all the art we saw In your honor, I'm dropping anger Don't get lost in the place you live See the way the webs you wafted stick across all of your fingers Learn to forgive Don't see a burden and make your bed It's not worth the folded shoulders, you'll sleep cover-less and colder Just call me instead, call anyone else You look so perfect in your house Definitely something

credits

released September 21, 2016

Recorded and mixed by Seth Engel
Mastered by Kurt Roy
All instruments played by Anthony Sanders
Drums on "My Dice" by Seth Engel
Album art by Johnny Fabrizio and Kenna Hynes
Formatted by Corey Purvis

license

all rights reserved

tags

about

Anthony Jay Sanders Chicago, Illinois

I sing for The Island of Misfit Toys, I sing for myself, and I definitely sing for you. This is a place to gradually release everything that isn't TIOMT.
For TIOMT music:
tiomt.bandcamp.com

contact / help

Contact Anthony Jay Sanders

Streaming and
Download help

Report this album or account

Anthony Jay Sanders recommends:

If you like Anthony Jay Sanders, you may also like: